Shugo Chara

I believe everyone secretly wishes to be a certain kind of person...

For example, if you are a shy person, you might wished that you're an extroverted person who can easily approach anyone you wish to talk to. Who really feels comfortable when you look into other people's eyes. Who doesn't feel tense at all in a room filled with classmates you're meeting for the 1st time.

Or maybe you are someone bad at body coordination and can't dance. Have never danced. And as you grow up, have grown to feel awkward, nervous, even phobic when it comes to dancing or moving your body. Though secretly, you'll wished that you could dance as if no one is watching. Swing your arms and turn around, let your clothes be caught by the wind, making tiny ripples on their surface. Smile at the sky as you do so.

Or perhaps you always wear boring clothes. Dull colors, avoiding contrasting combinations. Stuffs that fits in with the crowd. You feel uneasy if you dress too well cos u feel you're attraction attention. Yet even so, you'd often look at how others dress. The bags they carry, their footwear, hairstyles, the way people move, their expressions and whether they compliment each other to create a certain image.
How do they feel so at ease even when they must realise that others will look at them?
Would you wish to be like them?
Yes and no?
Or..?

Just how secret would this secret be?
Maybe you'd only let ur bestest fren know of your secret wish...
Maybe you will only think about it to yourself and no one else knows.
Or maybe you don't even dare to think about it. Telling yourself that it's impossible as soon as the thought arises in ur mind...

Whatever it is, it's there...
What will you do about them?
These, secret desires.

Volcano with Loop Station.

People are selfish.

People are selfish. This is what i have concluded. I am not an exception. Even the kind ones. Not necessarily selfishness in the usual, conventional sense that most ppl have an idea of perhaps. But nevertheless, selfish.

Think of those who care and show concern for others. When an old lady falls down, and a boy sees it and feels for her. He sees it, then he feels the sadness. And perhaps this is followed by some physical sensation: In his within his chest, he feel a curious sense of soreness. So he reaches out his hand and tries to help the old lady.

Is this compassion? Kindness? Well it is, depending on how you see it.

But i feel that all these kindness are sorta reactionary. Like, this kind act is carried out to to fulfill a certain private desire. The desire, the urge, to quell the sore sensation that manifests within the boy's body when he sees the old lady falling down.

What we detect causes an internal reaction in our mind and body. Then this reaction (or sensation) produces an urge (or desire) to help someone. Ultimately the process ends with the physical action of actually helping that person.
What is the cause of this process?

It might have been social conditioning. Or a genetic program we're born with. But whatever it's cause, it can never considered as total selflessness. No matter what our goals are. No matter now holy, or good it is. It is always selfish. For the self. To make ourself feel better.

What do we want to feel?
Being high up on the corporate ladder: ---to feel successful.
Be rich: ---to experience life's comfort and luxury.
To love someone and care for them: ---to not be alone, to feel your own existence as you interact.
Helping people: ---to feel good about oneself, to be experience less uneasiness when you see less suffering around you, to be accepted by following the social norms of helping people.

Consider Gandhi and Mother Theresa. Yes, they were great people. And yes, then have definitely helped many people. One cannot deny of the great things they have done. Nevertheless, it is carried out to fulfill their own desires. a desire to help their people, yes. But desires, nevertheless, of their own.

Techno version of Canon

Canon by Pachabel is one of my fav songs!!
and take a look at this!!!

OMG!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjA5faZF1A8

Caring about ppl around u...

I'll be going to WAT USA in a few days le... I duno if it's this reason... but I've been reaching out to frens... not the type that are really close to me, but those whom I feel I want to care about. I dunno if it's because i'm going to be separated from them for quite sometime.

I remembered in the past when i entered Tekong where the1st 2 weeks was a confinement period, i almost couldn't take it. It made me realised that although i always thought i could be independent, maybe it wasn't so... I'll still miss familiarity of faces, even though in day to day cases i would not have usually talked to these faces at all.

I dunno if this applies to other ppl as well... ('', But i realized that i can be concerned about some ppl even though i may not be very close to them. These ppl may not play a significant role in ur life... may not cross path with u because of different schools, clubs, faculties or even all of the above... But u'll think about how they're doing... Perhaps on a certain day, u just remember about them when one memory triggers another.

I think maybe it's because they're nice person ba. ('', I feel that some ppl can be nice frens after playing around with them... bumping into them occasionally.. and finding that I can be comfortable around them after feeling that their character are sincere and accepting.

Haha!! But I think when it cominAg to maintaining relationships with others, i'm lazy to a fault. Outings?? Nah.. cannot... tmr got blah blah.. Buffet? u all go ahead ba.=) Overnight at chalet? ...err.

Anyway, i think on my journey there... i think i might experience a some level of panic. Cos the trip there will be all by myself. ( trip there only... not entire 3 mths...-_-''') The sense of being alone will be acute... but i guess, this trip will do me good. ('', Had plans to improve myself while i'm there. =p Dunno what i'll become after i come back. Maybe i'll still be the same daniel lee. The one with faults, insecurities, fears. Hesitant, reluctant, being too careful. No promises kay? ('',

Future responsiblitites & burdens

i thnk my life will suck when i finish my studies in uni....

Cos after that, people will expect me to take up the role of contributing to the family fund...
chippping in on the household allowances. i'm not too enthuseastic about it. And i fell that it feels complicating and burdensome as well, having to send money to both side.

Yes, this will be the fucking situation when one gets divorced parents living apart. I shun away from their squabbles and expressed my disinterest. what the hell, don't take me as your platform to launch ur wars man, do what u all want and just leave me with my own life. I don't care who is right or wrong, issues are subjective and perspectives can be manipulated, that much i'm aware.

i'm not afraid of admitting this: i'm not a filial son. But i do not care. They have not done a good job, so i truly believe i'm not wholy to be blamed for how the present has turned out. Jus leave me alone.

it's sad that most of us comes out starting our endavoers on a huge debt incurred from slogging for a degree. Do we even want the degree in the 1st place, or are we merely going along with the flow? The flow is the most convenient option which contains the least resistance. Then most are peer pressured or/and family obligated to secure a job ASAP. By the time we pay off our debt, how much of our life have we then? Life to enjoy, life to relax? life to try, to take risk, to explore?

Wed, May 18, 2005
The Imagination Test
What shapes how you see things?
lee, your imagination is fueled by a subconscious desire for Intimacy.

The stories in the deepest recesses of your imagination suggest that close connections and intimate relationships are of great importance to you. They may also indicate that you have a fear of being alone. Your subconscious feeds your imagination. It is where your deepest thoughts and feelings are housed and it has great power over how you experience and interpret the world.

You can't control your subconscious, but you can learn from it. In fact, it's the fastest path to knowing what you really need and want.
Do you have needs that are going unfulfilled?
Are you puzzled by how you interpret events?
Do you have issues that you want to address, but you don't know where to begin?
It's possible your imagination is trying to tell you something.

The Da Vinci Code

Sat, May 07, 2005

~..."Meaning that history is always written by the winners. When two cultures clash, the loser is obliterated, and the winner writes the history books - books which glorify their own cause and disparage the conquered foe. As Napoleon once said, 'What is history, but a fable agreed upon?' "... "By its very nature, history is always a one-sided account."...

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~"...every faith in the world is based on fabrication. That is the definition of faith - acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove. Every religion describes God through metaphor, allegory, and exaggeration, from the early Eygptians through modern Sunday school. Metaphors are a way to help our minds process the unprocessible. the problems arise when we begin to believe literally in out own metaphors."...

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~..."The Bible represents a fundamental guidepost for millions of people on the planet, in much the same way the Koran, Torah, and Pali Canon offer guidance to people of other religions. If..."

Sophie looked skeptical. "My friends who are devout Christians definitely believe that Christ literally walked on water, literally turned waterinto wine, and was born of a literal virgin birth."

"My point exactly," Langdon said. "Religious allegory has become a part of the fabric of reality. And living in that reality helps millions of people cope and be better people ."

"But it appears their reality is false."

Langdon chuckled. "No more false than that of a mathematical cryptographer who believes in the imaginary number 'i' because it helps her break codes."...

light & darkness

Wed, Apr 13, 2005
up the lift

as the lift door closed, darkness swirled below my sights. perhaps because it was a bright day outside, perhaps i'm a little tired from the jog.
it began to rise, filling up more of my vision. And i welcomes it, closing my eyes. Light is always associated with the positive, and darkness is always tagged to the negative. But now, to me, darkness feels jus fine.

Perhaps we shouldn't stereotype light and darkness so much to good and bad. How would you like to experience daylight 24 hours each day. At the though of this, its appeal seem to wane. And what is the the function of the eyelid anyway. to bring darkness i'd say.

Appreciation

Wed, Apr 13, 2005
out jogging (morning)

it occured to me that the displays and creation of Arts, while many, mostly consists of those that we See and Hear and Taste. Most artists choose to, or jus happen to emphasis or revolve their efforts around these senses. Art, through the sense of touch is much lacking, as compared.

i see the contrast of shadows between the covered walkways, at the time, in such a way that the light and shaded split the path into an equal half.

relaxing as i feel the breeze with my eyes closed, i became more aware of self through perceiving my surroundings with how i feel. the breeze is welcoming. we could show Art from the perspective of self: i thought. can the feeling of wind flowing past my face, my hair be captured on a portrait from the eyes of self? Or the thumping of the heart be felt through a picec of creation? how can i open these feelings to others?

I realised that how much an individual can appreciate Art rests on how much is he willing to appreciate it, and how much is he willing to be aware of its presence in everyday life.

such a life...

Sunday, April 03, 2005
watched Turn Left Turn Right:

I’d like to live such a life…. Not the romance of the story, but the romance of their world… The life of a musician, of a writer, they’re seemingly unaffected by the worries of the realistic world. No loud music, no rush, no stress… Their thoughts and longings so simple, yet so deep. Their lives so ordinary, yet so desired.

There is absence of the common rush for success that is determined by the society. In living their lives the way they want, they are successful in their own rights. Their contentment is the best proof.

Sunday, Apr 02,2005
realiZation while thinking of History esssay:

we must learn to differentiate between the Fuel, the Spark, and the Catalyst in an event.
only then can we know the cause and understand the reason.
this is the same for all issues.

words...

Thur 24th Mar 2005
earth girl arjuna 08:

If words are often misunderstood, den why do people still depend on them?
It is because words give form. Words give form to shifting feelings…and a reality that is hard to grasp.
By combining those forms in many different ways, it brings together memories.

If people had never been acquainted with words… we may not have been able to think the way we do now. However, people become so caught up with the power of words, that they give meaning to the actual words themselves.
It is like allowing a shadow to become an object in itself. Giving it its own unique form that is artificial... Like giving life to shadows that only reflects the existence of the object that forms it, and initially have no substance.

They have forgotten the now..., and everything that does not speak those words. The whispers that does not express themselves in words… like the smell of rain that tingles our skin, that elusive feeling upon wakening from a dream, and the nature wind you cannot even see… They are forgotten.

Even among the people who speak the same words, their feelings are scattered all over the place. But that can’t be helped. The purpose of words is to categorize. When I call out to your name, or when you call me, these words actually separate us by a greater distance. How much of me are you calling by my name? By defining the me you know by my name, you leave out the rest of me from this area called, my name.
By calling something by a word, we actually limit our understanding of the true nature of the object. The nature of the word encloses the object within a boundary. As a result, the word does not, and can never, represent the entirety of the object… Like a photo with limits that fails to capture the rest of the scenery beyond its sides…

But still…


(this is very open-ended throughout. interprete in ur own context.
but if u this this is crap, forget you ever read this and don't bug me about it...
and this applies to all my future postings too.)