Weary

I don't really do anything. Weary.
No work, no rest, no end...
Lacking energy, motivation, discipline, confidence...
I don't want to stay still, I don't want to move.

Fears

I realized I have a lot of fears. Of not being able to handle the responsibility. Of worst case scenarios that might happen that will be beyond my capability to handle. Of the unknown situations that might be presented to me if I venture beyond familiarity. Of how people around me might see me. Of getting the attention of others if I make myself too conspicuous. Of bumping into familiar faces when I am outside. Of the many things that have not happened, might never happen...

I wonder if misa will reply me... 

Quote

Masa: "That composure...
I'd like to smile like you do."

Yaichi: "If you try, you'll find there's nothing stopping you."

~ Anime: House of Five Leaves (Episode 1)

Once in a while I'll think of Aaron. I hope I can meet him again somehow and see how he's getting on.

1 way to be problem free and be able to sleep well without worrying about stuffs you have to do, should do, is to finish them all.

System

The world is like a car. When i say world, I mean everything that exists; physically, non-physically.

It is made up of systems. systems like the law of physics. System like things are constantly recycled and don't really disappear. Things gets destroyed and recreated, reformed. Energies gets transferred. Systems like the life cycle, the water cycle, the plants revolving around the star, the solar system around the galaxy, the galaxy expanding outward in the universe... Systems like genetic codings governing behaviors. Systems like everything naturally striving toward a balance like ying-yang, atoms always trying to reach a more stable state. There are many systems in this world. They are all inter connected and affect/influence one another. They make up the world. The world itself is one giant system encompassing all other systems.

The world is like a car. All the different systems are like different parts of the car. They perform their own function, yet affect one another. When you put them all together, you get the car. The car is one big machine consisting of many little other machines working together.

But while we know the purpose behind the existence a car; which is to function as a form of transportation. We do not know the purpose why the world exist. The human life we live is but only 1 of the many systems in this world. We all are so occupied with trying to carry out what is in our nature, that we do not really consider the purpose behind it, or that if there is any point at all.

No one knows the purpose for the existence of this world. We just live in it by default. So we react according to it. To our human desires, our human nature. What we strive to achieve are to feed our egocentric desires. We live, till we die. That's it.

White Panic

That sense of panic that overwhelms you, even though everything around you is completely calm and peaceful. Most people probably won't understand how that's like, until you're going to die.

You know that you're going to pass away, and there is nothing you can do to stop it or delay it any longer. The sheets are white. The rooms is clean. Your loved ones are by your bedside. They're with you.

The weather is perfect. A shady day aided by the presence of a layer of clouds. You lie on the bed, feeling weak. You can actually feel your strength seeping away, trickling off bit by bit. You are going somewhere. Where? You are not sure. Everyone is here with you, but they can't accompany you into the great unknown. When that darkness devours you, you will be making the journey alone into the great infinity.

You grabbed on to someone's arm. She returns your need by holding your hand. But the panic persists! Like a silent thunder, like a white noise that drowns out your sanity. There is only panic... There is nothing to stop it...

I have experienced a similar panic. Not on my deathbed, for I am still young. But I have experienced that kind of panic, when everything around me is peaceful and quiet. As if this entire peacefulness is totally wrong, and this panics me because it is everywhere. Inescapable. Like the space I exist in, and the air I breathe. It has long penetrated my entire being and everything I'm connected to. And yes! A sense of hopelessness. Because you feel that there is nothing you can do about it. It is there.... It has no form. It is nothing, and everything. It cannot be seen, only experienced.

Value

Everything has a value attached to it.
Value, in general, can have a material or non-material form.

Mental value.
Spiritual value.
Time value.
Effort value.
Feelings.
Monetary value.

Some people weight their gain and loss, and make their decision by weighing the ones we more commonly hold in importance in Sim City country:
Money, Time, Effort, Feelings.

Sometimes, when a person suddenly abandons material wealth for something lesser.
He is not necessarily sustaining a net loss.
He is probably opting for non-material gains that exceeds whatever material loss he bears.

I live in Sim City!!

The road is so clean.
The yellow and white traffic lines painted in even thickness in straight lines in the even road.
There are no trash on the roads.
Every element is where they should be.

It's evening.
People are starting to get off from work.
A mum asked her son what he had for lunch today and the son said "seaweed, rice, and noodles".
"Wow so much." was the mum's expected response, somewhat lacking in real surprise.

The scene of a perfect society.

Am I the only one cursed with reality while others are blessed with delusions?
Or was it the other way round.

Devices: Mind Manipulation

There's another different idea,
on how to trigger pp's thoughts

Or rather make them think of certain things
No name for it.
And this method is rather random.
It's like setting a device to activate in the future when you're not around.

E.g. taking someone's cellphone and saving a msg on it.
Maybe months later,
the person's mail becomes full and he decided to delete it.
And he looks for stuffs to delete and accidentally saw the msg you left.

Or it can be something you jus scribbled on a certain page of the person's book.
When he reads it he sees it.

Or that you buy the person's fav drink, and drinks
and keep them in ur home.
Maybe one day, the person might come over for some reason
and note that you have stuffs he likes as well.

As i said, it depends on luck as well.

If the future does not take the path where you have planned the device
then the device might never be discovered or activated
And it'll be wasted effort.

Cookie: Mind Manipulation

Lets say you saw alot of stuffs here...

But what caught ur attention most, is the empty space in the middle.
No one mention about the empty space.
All they talk about are the things around it.

Sometimes tha's how you make people think what you want them to think.
You talk about the oven you have at home, and how ur mom used to cook chicken from it..

You talk about how you love milk, especially cold from the fridge.
And you have empty container jars in ur kitchen

And a small container of colored sprinkle candies on the shelf.
And choco chips too.

Eventually, they're gonna think about:


Cookies...

Poem: Present

Even a split second back falls into the past.
Even a moment after belongs to the future.
The present is just a pinprick of time in between
That probably doesn't exist.

msn convo: Insecurity

(daniel): paper Sometimes I feel weak
(daniel): paper like i dun feel like doing anything
(daniel): paper and i dun have the will to make myself do it...
(daniel): paper like nothing matters

(daniel): paper On better days
(daniel): paper i feel lke that too alot
(daniel): paper I feel like i should do something
(daniel): paper and i feel differently
(daniel): paper like... i think a little different than most other days

Adhara how different?

(daniel): paper Well.. like... i'm mentally stronger
(daniel): paper and can get up and try to do stuffs
(daniel): paper But on those days
(daniel): paper I will also be worried
(daniel): paper that this is temporarily
(daniel): paper and it usually is.

(daniel): paper And after that i will go back to my weak self.
(daniel): paper Like... hmmm
(daniel): paper i'm 1/2 asleep most of the time, but sometimes i wake up
(daniel): paper but goes back to 1/2 asleep mode after that

Adhara i have felt like that

(daniel): paper Like when u see with your eyes... most of the time everything is blur...
(daniel): paper and sometimes u see things clearer
(daniel): paper then it goes back to being blur again.

Adhara mhm

(daniel): paper x.x

Adhara whts bothering woshy? D:

(daniel): paper lol the same thing :)
(daniel): paper and sometimes, i dun wanna
(daniel): paper get away from the com.
(daniel): paper cos i dun wanna be alone :P
(daniel): paper If i go afk or something
(daniel): paper ppl might afk or go off

Adhara rof
Adhara l
Adhara im the same

(daniel): paper or when ppl log on i'll miss them
(daniel): paper and when i come back, they're already offf.
(daniel): paper :x
(daniel): paper I think if my laptop spoils, I'll emo. lol

Adhara awwww
Adhara LOL
Adhara i have that too
Adhara >_>

Adhara im like that
Adhara my mom is like
(daniel): paper com is like...
Adhara "nothing happens if u are offline a couple hours"
Adhara me: D<<<<<<<<< YES

(daniel): paper lol

Adhara IT HAPPENS

(daniel): paper rofl

Adhara xD

(daniel): paper It's prolly worse now
(daniel): paper Adhara that I have more friends online than IRL -_-

Adhara same
Adhara lol

(daniel): paper i mean the ones i talk to.

Adhara mhm
Adhara same here lol

(daniel): paper it's a curse D:

Adhara nah
Adhara it makes u happy!
Adhara or
Adhara "happy"
Adhara at times

(daniel): paper it's like...
(daniel): paper watching shadows dancing on the wall
(daniel): paper and we keep watching it
(daniel): paper but the real action is behind u
(daniel): paper real ppl are dancing.
(daniel): paper with colors and music and stuffs
(daniel): paper :x

Adhara theres

(daniel): paper but u're afraid to turn around

Adhara real ppl behind the shadows >;

(daniel): paper wad if it's a lie?

Adhara the ones we want

(daniel): paper and when u turn back to the wall

Adhara arent the ones dancing behind u

(daniel): paper the shadows are gone?

Adhara mhm..
Adhara like
Adhara those shadows we watch doesnt come from behind of us
Adhara but from beyond >;
Adhara its like a shape on a window
Adhara on a rainy day

(daniel): paper yea

Adhara we dont wanna turn around cause we dont want whts behind
Adhara but we want whats behind that window
Adhara tho
Adhara so we stick to it
Adhara hoping one day
Adhara it is enough to fill our happiness
Adhara =/

(daniel): paper :x
(daniel): paper But i know it's not enough
(daniel): paper like...
(daniel): paper i dunno

Adhara its not real
Adhara :P
Adhara u can see and hear whts beyind the window
Adhara but u cant feel it
Adhara so u are never satisficed with it
Adhara cause ur asking for something that the window wont let u feel

(daniel): paper yea
(daniel): paper I could turn away from the window and go open the door and meet the real thing outside the window

(daniel): paper but if i do that
(daniel): paper I'll have to move further away from the window

Adhara mhm

(daniel): paper Like if u realli want something
(daniel): paper sometimes u have to leave it.
(daniel): paper to get it.

Adhara yah

(daniel): paper Q.Q

Adhara but that scares us >;
Adhara and makes us get lazy and decide less happiness but sure and warm
Adhara and comfy
Adhara than risking something
Adhara for soemthing better
Adhara >;

(daniel): paper But if i leave the window, the thing outside might run away while i'm not paying attention
(daniel): paper yea
(daniel): paper that's it.

Adhara yep
Adhara xD

(daniel): paper i wanna be like paper
(daniel): paper but i'm not him.
Adhara i wannabe like misa but im not her :P

(daniel): paper ROFL

Adhara im not the cheery childish girl >;
Adhara that she seems

(daniel): paper aww...

Adhara Q,Q

(daniel): paper huggie
(daniel): paper yea...
(daniel): paper misa in the story is brave
(daniel): paper and doesn't care wad ppl thinks of her
(daniel): paper well, tiny steps. :)
(daniel): paper just like Snolly did
(daniel): paper ... ... .(sn)

Adhara rofl
Adhara snolly <3

(daniel): paper ROFL

Adhara i never care wht ppl say >;
Adhara but i care about wht they feel >;

(daniel): paper aww..
(daniel): paper misa too nice.
(daniel): paper huggie

Adhara lol
Adhara just an idiot

(daniel): paper spankie yea
(daniel): paper =3

Adhara rofl

(daniel): paper the Smart idiot >:

Adhara mhm!

(daniel): paper Well... i'm feeling a little braver today....
(daniel): paper I'll afk abit. ._.

Adhara okie D:
Adhara :3
Adhara nothing will move from behind the window :3
Adhara cause everyone is too affraid to get far from it
Adhara :3

(daniel): paper D: I'll be a round
(daniel): paper I promise i will not run away from behind the window
(daniel): paper msg if anything. :)
(daniel): paper I'll read it in 2-3 hours

Adhara :3 okieeee

(daniel): paper (afk) ({)(sn) there!
(daniel): paper (afk) I gave u Snolly :3
(daniel): paper (afk) I'll get it back later :3
(daniel): paper (afk) cya!

Adhara <3
Adhara byeee
Adhara (})

(daniel): paper (afk) Byee

Dream of yan.

I just had a dream with yan inside.

We were in the library. She had came back to the library to look for some info and i bumped into her. So we sat down to chat. I was telling her something funny, about 1 time YH went to ask the librarian whether he can take a book and bring it home; with a funny tone and weird smiling expression.

And she rolled back and laughed out happily. I remembered the way she laughed then. Happily, helplessly, and as if without a care. Seeing it made you happy.

I stifled a laugh myself and covered it up quickly by cupping one hand over my mouth. Then she suddenly realized where she was and quickly hushed herself. Everything was very much the way she'd be. =)

I looked to the corner and saw that the principle had gotten up and headed for the stairs. Either she hadn't mind the accidental eruption of sound, or had choose to let it pass as something minor and forgivable. My sight of her disappeared as she reached the stairs and my view of her blocked by the back of the concreted stairs.

It seems someone else had chosen not to ignore the laughters. A librarian/teacher got up from behind the counter and made her way to us. I looked down and pretend to concentrate on something, waiting for her to pass us. But she stopped in front of me and squatted down.

"Boy, you can't control your laughter." she looked at my eyes "Do you know why?"
I raised my head a little, along with my eyes and returned her look, waiting for her to go on.
"It's because you still have these lines with your eyes" she was referring to these vein-like tiny capillaries that connect to the pupil.
"I already removed mine." she was referring to the reason why she was able to control her laughter.

Still in the library, I slowly realized that I was also still lying in bed. My half-awaken state had crossed the tipping point favoring the waking world. I was good to be in the library, it felt free of problems and happy to be with yan, and remember the way she was. At the same time, I was the me in the real world, with a troubled existence. It was a dream.... I thought, as I rolled to my back, still eyes-closed. Aware of reality now, yet still wanting to cradle whatever remaining precious memory of the dream in my mind.

I was disappointed that it was a dream. I was probably missing her company and friendship.

I got up and immediately on my com to record it... before it faded from my conscious mind. Before this feeling slips away.

That moment of waking/dreaming liminal state, cradled between reality and the dream, allowed me to remember the me I was and the me I am now. An opportunity to compare my past and present self. I was a happier self.

My problem....

I'm disappointed. Each time I make a good friend and get close, I'll be disappointed. My standard is probably too high. I expect too much. Everyone is selfish, including me. I can't really complain then. Humans are only human. Less than what we though we are. If 2 person like each other, it's cos they are able to satisfy their own selfishness by being with each other.

Then why is it like that? That we should desire company, have the urge to fill this gap. But yet know that the things we used to fill it is a different form of emptiness, like a mirage that dissipates when you go too near it. It's a myth.... there is nothing to live for but oneself. But if that's the case, there is little to live for... Ignorance is bliss.