White Panic

That sense of panic that overwhelms you, even though everything around you is completely calm and peaceful. Most people probably won't understand how that's like, until you're going to die.

You know that you're going to pass away, and there is nothing you can do to stop it or delay it any longer. The sheets are white. The rooms is clean. Your loved ones are by your bedside. They're with you.

The weather is perfect. A shady day aided by the presence of a layer of clouds. You lie on the bed, feeling weak. You can actually feel your strength seeping away, trickling off bit by bit. You are going somewhere. Where? You are not sure. Everyone is here with you, but they can't accompany you into the great unknown. When that darkness devours you, you will be making the journey alone into the great infinity.

You grabbed on to someone's arm. She returns your need by holding your hand. But the panic persists! Like a silent thunder, like a white noise that drowns out your sanity. There is only panic... There is nothing to stop it...

I have experienced a similar panic. Not on my deathbed, for I am still young. But I have experienced that kind of panic, when everything around me is peaceful and quiet. As if this entire peacefulness is totally wrong, and this panics me because it is everywhere. Inescapable. Like the space I exist in, and the air I breathe. It has long penetrated my entire being and everything I'm connected to. And yes! A sense of hopelessness. Because you feel that there is nothing you can do about it. It is there.... It has no form. It is nothing, and everything. It cannot be seen, only experienced.