Dual selves

I'm afraid that I will forget how to dream and fantasize.

To wonder and still believe in magic, miracles, and romance.

I'm afraid that if I embrace the realistic world too much, I will lose that part oft self. 

In the nights, I will feel empty but yet can't figure out what's wrong an lacking in my life.

 

Ephemeral things like these are easy to forget, like memories of a dream hovering on the edge of your consciousness. 

Knowing that you have forgotten something, almost realizing what it is but can never recall. And in time, you just leave it be and going on with your mundane existence, much like Neo before he discovered the Matrix;

when waking feels like dreaming, and being in a dream feeling more alive than when awake.

Maybe sometimes, the road to heaven leads through hell. 

But if I must traverse through, I don't wish to forget who I really am, or who I really wish to be. 

At the least, I want to remember who I am once again, even after I have lost myself along the way.

I will gather and make a list of things, memories, and keep it aside. 

Like a time capsule. 

For my future self to recover and go over it. 

A list of things that will remind me who I've loved, what I've loved. 

Words, stories, movies, characters that I find beautiful, touching, inspirational. 

Qualities of character I desire to have. 

Songs that moved me. 

Sensations...

Still a fool

I thought A would have left on Sunday, so I waited for her to get on on Mon,Tues but she didn't.
I started getting paranoid, wondering she already decided to give me up as a friend.
But a broken down lappy, or travelling or that Al is still around, are more likely reasons.

She got on on Wednesday about 5pm; 11am her time.
I was right, A is still around and leavin today.
And we talked.
I had to, even if she's with A right now.
I missed her.
Talking and tearing beats avoiding her, at least right now that's how it is for me.

I'm such a fool.
Why is it that I can't help it but keep feeling for her even though I understand that things are impossible?
Even when it's 1-sided all the time.
Even when the distance between us is so great.

Konatsu from Tari Tari anime said this in epi 8:
"Why can't you choose who you fall in love with?"
"If you could choose who you fell in love with, nobody would have to suffer."
"Being with someone you love is the best, but there are lots of situation where people aren't."
"It's sad."

That's resonates with me.
Everyone would be happier if they could choose who they fall in love with.
But it doesn't work that way...
Emotions sweep you off your feel and twirls you about,
leaving you helpless on an unpredictable course toward an unknown conclusion,
for better or for worse.

At this point, I know I'm not gonna mean much to her.
But even if I manage to hold a tiny place in her heart right now, I'd be happy.
I'm glad I talked to her, even if I'll be bleehh for some time after that.
I'm sure she is no stranger how how I feel.
She must have gone through the same thing with J when they were breaking up.
But it's easy to forget how sad you were when you're so happy now.
Just as it is hard to remember how happy I've been, when I'm so sad now.

I wanted to tell her more, she got off right after I said bye.
Probably wanted to spend time with A, and was waiting for our convo to end.
So I jus sent her an offline msg.
I just wanted to tell her I'm glad I got to talk to her, and to bear with me for being a fool.

Bittersweet.