Morning blues

       

                     

It's really a coincidence that this morning is full of blues.

I might not have noticed it, nor would it matters to me, 

if not for the fact that it is one of the colors that you love keeping close to you.

I haven't been exercising lately because I haven't been in the mood.

But just this morning I decided that going for a jog will do me some good.

I showered and dried myself with a light blue towel

I wore a deep blue Nike Dri-fit T-shirt paired with a pair of black shorts.

I brought along a packet of tissue, yes it is blue.

I brought along my debit card for withdrawal, which happens to be blue.

My new phone cover is blue. I wanted it red, but the one they sold was too bright.

My phone is always with me wherever I go.

The plastic tubing around my bicycle chain is blue.

All of which is really a coincidence, well at least my bike is red.

Cycling to the reservoir park under the wide blue sky, 

I guess today blue is the dominant theme that reminds me of you.

Figuring out self..

I don't understand why I feel the way I feel sometimes,
when I think back on how I react on hearing certain things from her.
I get sad, I get angry.
But she did nothing out of the ordinary.
I'm just framing the situation that makes me thinks she's enjoying herself and leaving me to emo alone.
Though in a way, that's true though.
But what do I expect her to do anyway?
I wanted her to be happy,
yet I wanted me to matter more to her such that she will spend time with me.

I know I shouldn't, but I think I secretly blame her for how I am now.
I want to talk to her like we used to again.
And send each other links and vids and chat like usual.
But I can't, though I want to very much.
Everytime I try to chat more, the convo will invariably lead to something related to A.
Then that makes me emo and I cut off the chat and stopped talking to her for a while again.
And this repeats.

I wonder why it wasn't like this before, when she was with that US guy.
Probably because I haven't confessed yet and was sitting on the sideline still.
Pretending to be just a friend.
What has changed then?
Why does it matter to me so much now that it doesn't before?
I guess it feels like I'm just a passing moment in her life, when she spends time with him.
As if I'm not important. Just 1 of the many people she has met and will move on in her life.
Thinking like this makes me feel like I'm all alone in this world.
No one has ever really looked at me and see my core and accepted and be with me for who I really am.
Though who am I anyway?

I've ignored and avoided her for almost a week now.
I did considered that maybe I could leave her and MIA once again if I manage to survive without her being a part of my life for long enough.
But I don't want to lose her as a friend in this way again.
It would be too awful too lose someone close.
I just have to either get over the fact that that's how the situations is gonna be,
regardless of whether I like it or not.
Or just deal with the bouts of blehness that overcomes me whenever I get too close.
That the fate of loving a hedgehog.
She is not perfect, and she hurts without meaning to.

The best is that I can still like her,
yet feel ok to talk about things and people in her life without feeling too sad...

I will remain the fool that I am.
Dreaming impossible dreams, imagining imaginary romances and loving unreachable people.

Everything reminds me of you..

Assailed by memories everyday.
Surrounded by so many things that reminds me of you.
The cheese in my fridge.
The time of 2:30pm at which you log on.
The time of 6am at which you go to sleep.
Time, in general, which makes me wonder what you are doing at that moment...

The tweeting of birds.
Birds.
My glowing stars.
Rough ceiling texture.
Coffee with milk.
Friendship bands.
Strangers with dark long hair.
Blue cars.
Pancake mix,
and things I have sent from the grocery stores.
And things I wanted to send and haven't, and will probably never.

Clear blue sky.
Winter clothing.
Cute earrings.
Purple.
Water bottles.
Tattoos on strangers.
Interesting I took photos of and wanted to show you but didn't,
because it doesn't matter and it hurts.
The photocopy shop and the post office.

These are just the tip.
They make me sad.
And every time it does, I try to focus on my breathing and nothing else.
Taking 1 deep breath after another, counting them as I walk.
It now hurts more than I can keep staying close to you.

It's not your fault that I'm feeling this way.
But I still feel angry anyway.
Angry and frustrated, partly with myself.
Partly with you and the world and how it works.

Everyday is full of traps,
Waiting to spring and ensnare me into their mental agony.

Poem: Unrequited

 

I will drink coffee in the morning, black with sugar in it.

It's darkness and warmth, I feel, through my mug, 

is a contrast to the chilly air and the lightening world beyond.

Stubbornly, it stands against the light.

Jealously protecting itself, hiding within it own darkness.

It's depth cannot be seen, though it continues to emanate warmth from within; 

a hint of being alive still.

I will drink in its darkness and taste its sweetness, 

take in its aroma, along with that bitterness that goes so well with it all.

We will share our warmth and our hearts, and I will understand it better now after,

why that bitterness is worth holding on.

Because its sweetness and aroma is so familiar yet like no other, 

and cannot be forgotten nor ignored.

Perhaps that is why, so many others are morning coffee drinkers, 

or maybe it's just me.