Figuring out self..

I don't understand why I feel the way I feel sometimes,
when I think back on how I react on hearing certain things from her.
I get sad, I get angry.
But she did nothing out of the ordinary.
I'm just framing the situation that makes me thinks she's enjoying herself and leaving me to emo alone.
Though in a way, that's true though.
But what do I expect her to do anyway?
I wanted her to be happy,
yet I wanted me to matter more to her such that she will spend time with me.

I know I shouldn't, but I think I secretly blame her for how I am now.
I want to talk to her like we used to again.
And send each other links and vids and chat like usual.
But I can't, though I want to very much.
Everytime I try to chat more, the convo will invariably lead to something related to A.
Then that makes me emo and I cut off the chat and stopped talking to her for a while again.
And this repeats.

I wonder why it wasn't like this before, when she was with that US guy.
Probably because I haven't confessed yet and was sitting on the sideline still.
Pretending to be just a friend.
What has changed then?
Why does it matter to me so much now that it doesn't before?
I guess it feels like I'm just a passing moment in her life, when she spends time with him.
As if I'm not important. Just 1 of the many people she has met and will move on in her life.
Thinking like this makes me feel like I'm all alone in this world.
No one has ever really looked at me and see my core and accepted and be with me for who I really am.
Though who am I anyway?

I've ignored and avoided her for almost a week now.
I did considered that maybe I could leave her and MIA once again if I manage to survive without her being a part of my life for long enough.
But I don't want to lose her as a friend in this way again.
It would be too awful too lose someone close.
I just have to either get over the fact that that's how the situations is gonna be,
regardless of whether I like it or not.
Or just deal with the bouts of blehness that overcomes me whenever I get too close.
That the fate of loving a hedgehog.
She is not perfect, and she hurts without meaning to.

The best is that I can still like her,
yet feel ok to talk about things and people in her life without feeling too sad...

I will remain the fool that I am.
Dreaming impossible dreams, imagining imaginary romances and loving unreachable people.