Dual selves

I'm afraid that I will forget how to dream and fantasize.

To wonder and still believe in magic, miracles, and romance.

I'm afraid that if I embrace the realistic world too much, I will lose that part oft self. 

In the nights, I will feel empty but yet can't figure out what's wrong an lacking in my life.

 

Ephemeral things like these are easy to forget, like memories of a dream hovering on the edge of your consciousness. 

Knowing that you have forgotten something, almost realizing what it is but can never recall. And in time, you just leave it be and going on with your mundane existence, much like Neo before he discovered the Matrix;

when waking feels like dreaming, and being in a dream feeling more alive than when awake.

Maybe sometimes, the road to heaven leads through hell. 

But if I must traverse through, I don't wish to forget who I really am, or who I really wish to be. 

At the least, I want to remember who I am once again, even after I have lost myself along the way.

I will gather and make a list of things, memories, and keep it aside. 

Like a time capsule. 

For my future self to recover and go over it. 

A list of things that will remind me who I've loved, what I've loved. 

Words, stories, movies, characters that I find beautiful, touching, inspirational. 

Qualities of character I desire to have. 

Songs that moved me. 

Sensations...

Still a fool

I thought A would have left on Sunday, so I waited for her to get on on Mon,Tues but she didn't.
I started getting paranoid, wondering she already decided to give me up as a friend.
But a broken down lappy, or travelling or that Al is still around, are more likely reasons.

She got on on Wednesday about 5pm; 11am her time.
I was right, A is still around and leavin today.
And we talked.
I had to, even if she's with A right now.
I missed her.
Talking and tearing beats avoiding her, at least right now that's how it is for me.

I'm such a fool.
Why is it that I can't help it but keep feeling for her even though I understand that things are impossible?
Even when it's 1-sided all the time.
Even when the distance between us is so great.

Konatsu from Tari Tari anime said this in epi 8:
"Why can't you choose who you fall in love with?"
"If you could choose who you fell in love with, nobody would have to suffer."
"Being with someone you love is the best, but there are lots of situation where people aren't."
"It's sad."

That's resonates with me.
Everyone would be happier if they could choose who they fall in love with.
But it doesn't work that way...
Emotions sweep you off your feel and twirls you about,
leaving you helpless on an unpredictable course toward an unknown conclusion,
for better or for worse.

At this point, I know I'm not gonna mean much to her.
But even if I manage to hold a tiny place in her heart right now, I'd be happy.
I'm glad I talked to her, even if I'll be bleehh for some time after that.
I'm sure she is no stranger how how I feel.
She must have gone through the same thing with J when they were breaking up.
But it's easy to forget how sad you were when you're so happy now.
Just as it is hard to remember how happy I've been, when I'm so sad now.

I wanted to tell her more, she got off right after I said bye.
Probably wanted to spend time with A, and was waiting for our convo to end.
So I jus sent her an offline msg.
I just wanted to tell her I'm glad I got to talk to her, and to bear with me for being a fool.

Bittersweet.

Morning blues

       

                     

It's really a coincidence that this morning is full of blues.

I might not have noticed it, nor would it matters to me, 

if not for the fact that it is one of the colors that you love keeping close to you.

I haven't been exercising lately because I haven't been in the mood.

But just this morning I decided that going for a jog will do me some good.

I showered and dried myself with a light blue towel

I wore a deep blue Nike Dri-fit T-shirt paired with a pair of black shorts.

I brought along a packet of tissue, yes it is blue.

I brought along my debit card for withdrawal, which happens to be blue.

My new phone cover is blue. I wanted it red, but the one they sold was too bright.

My phone is always with me wherever I go.

The plastic tubing around my bicycle chain is blue.

All of which is really a coincidence, well at least my bike is red.

Cycling to the reservoir park under the wide blue sky, 

I guess today blue is the dominant theme that reminds me of you.

Figuring out self..

I don't understand why I feel the way I feel sometimes,
when I think back on how I react on hearing certain things from her.
I get sad, I get angry.
But she did nothing out of the ordinary.
I'm just framing the situation that makes me thinks she's enjoying herself and leaving me to emo alone.
Though in a way, that's true though.
But what do I expect her to do anyway?
I wanted her to be happy,
yet I wanted me to matter more to her such that she will spend time with me.

I know I shouldn't, but I think I secretly blame her for how I am now.
I want to talk to her like we used to again.
And send each other links and vids and chat like usual.
But I can't, though I want to very much.
Everytime I try to chat more, the convo will invariably lead to something related to A.
Then that makes me emo and I cut off the chat and stopped talking to her for a while again.
And this repeats.

I wonder why it wasn't like this before, when she was with that US guy.
Probably because I haven't confessed yet and was sitting on the sideline still.
Pretending to be just a friend.
What has changed then?
Why does it matter to me so much now that it doesn't before?
I guess it feels like I'm just a passing moment in her life, when she spends time with him.
As if I'm not important. Just 1 of the many people she has met and will move on in her life.
Thinking like this makes me feel like I'm all alone in this world.
No one has ever really looked at me and see my core and accepted and be with me for who I really am.
Though who am I anyway?

I've ignored and avoided her for almost a week now.
I did considered that maybe I could leave her and MIA once again if I manage to survive without her being a part of my life for long enough.
But I don't want to lose her as a friend in this way again.
It would be too awful too lose someone close.
I just have to either get over the fact that that's how the situations is gonna be,
regardless of whether I like it or not.
Or just deal with the bouts of blehness that overcomes me whenever I get too close.
That the fate of loving a hedgehog.
She is not perfect, and she hurts without meaning to.

The best is that I can still like her,
yet feel ok to talk about things and people in her life without feeling too sad...

I will remain the fool that I am.
Dreaming impossible dreams, imagining imaginary romances and loving unreachable people.

Everything reminds me of you..

Assailed by memories everyday.
Surrounded by so many things that reminds me of you.
The cheese in my fridge.
The time of 2:30pm at which you log on.
The time of 6am at which you go to sleep.
Time, in general, which makes me wonder what you are doing at that moment...

The tweeting of birds.
Birds.
My glowing stars.
Rough ceiling texture.
Coffee with milk.
Friendship bands.
Strangers with dark long hair.
Blue cars.
Pancake mix,
and things I have sent from the grocery stores.
And things I wanted to send and haven't, and will probably never.

Clear blue sky.
Winter clothing.
Cute earrings.
Purple.
Water bottles.
Tattoos on strangers.
Interesting I took photos of and wanted to show you but didn't,
because it doesn't matter and it hurts.
The photocopy shop and the post office.

These are just the tip.
They make me sad.
And every time it does, I try to focus on my breathing and nothing else.
Taking 1 deep breath after another, counting them as I walk.
It now hurts more than I can keep staying close to you.

It's not your fault that I'm feeling this way.
But I still feel angry anyway.
Angry and frustrated, partly with myself.
Partly with you and the world and how it works.

Everyday is full of traps,
Waiting to spring and ensnare me into their mental agony.

Poem: Unrequited

 

I will drink coffee in the morning, black with sugar in it.

It's darkness and warmth, I feel, through my mug, 

is a contrast to the chilly air and the lightening world beyond.

Stubbornly, it stands against the light.

Jealously protecting itself, hiding within it own darkness.

It's depth cannot be seen, though it continues to emanate warmth from within; 

a hint of being alive still.

I will drink in its darkness and taste its sweetness, 

take in its aroma, along with that bitterness that goes so well with it all.

We will share our warmth and our hearts, and I will understand it better now after,

why that bitterness is worth holding on.

Because its sweetness and aroma is so familiar yet like no other, 

and cannot be forgotten nor ignored.

Perhaps that is why, so many others are morning coffee drinkers, 

or maybe it's just me.

Sometimes love just ain't enough ~ by Patty Smyth and Don Henley.

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Money

Money can buy everything.
It's true, even if some people beg to differ.
Some argue that the non-material things cannot be bought;
things like family ties, friendship, love, kindness, intelligence, character.
I'm telling you they CAN be bought, though sometimes not directly.
The trick is to know how to buy it.

Family
Some family experienced tension b/w family members over financial difficulties.
It creates frustration and might lead to members blaming each other for not doing more to help out.
Wives have left husbands when times get hard.
Kids have blamed parents for dire living conditions and less-than-desired quality of life.
Lacking money strains family ties.

Having money allows a family to facilitate family bonding. A summer camp, a getaway to the beach, weekend visitations of extended families... etc.

Love
Love is a result of attraction.
Attraction arises from, well, being attracted to certain qualities that a person possess.
Qualities like intelligence, humor, rapport...etc.

Intelligence an be cultivated.
If u are rich, u can take a uni course, or lessons on various subjects or sports, hobbies, skills, crafts.

Humor an be easily attained.
Having wealth makes u relaxed because there is a sense of security.
There is no need to feel hostile against the world because u don't feel that u are competing against anyone for opportunities.
Money naturally opens up opportunities for u.

Being wealthy makes it easier to be kinder.
When u are rich, it doesn't hurt to give a 0.0001% to charity, or perform random acts of kindness.
Being kind makes u feel good, and also makes u likeable.
You make friends easier for your easygoing character.
Now u can be interesting and likeable.

Being rich also facilitates romance.
If u're having a LDR, u can fly over to visit ur gf every weekend.
U can take her on a surprise holiday to some romantic spot.
You can buy the things she likes, take photos that she love with your insanely expensive camera and send it to her, play the game the play, get a good web cam and web chat her.
You don't have to be restricted by rising petrol costs, the screwed up economy.
You can provide her a good lifestyle, a good experience.

Women are materialistic despite some saying otherwise.
Those that choose poverty are fools.

Another tough day for me.
I'm starting to recover and feel better about A.
ws a lil with her before she went to bed and sent her a pic of the morning sky I took on phone.
A beautiful sky with a hint of possible rain in the background.
And it was right, it's raining now.
Just like how I'm feeling.

I haven't been checking on her FB page for a couple of days.
But I did it right after our ws chat to check out how the drawing of her tattoo turns out.
I discovers more than I expected.
She's in a relationship with A.
ONLY FUCKING 10 days together!!!!
WOW FML.
DOUBLE FML TRIPLE FML INFINITY FML!!!!!!!!!
Is every fricking girl I like like that!????

I lost my mood to do anything now.
I wishing I didn't exist.
Being a human is so tough.
Loving is so horrible...
Every forest and plant should wither and die.
Cos that's how the world should be; horrible.
We are in hell.
All gd things will end in sadness and all bad things gets worse.
Welcome to Earth, newborns.
Welcome to sufferings.

Dated A

Today she caused in me, a maelstrom of emotions again.
I'm not even sure what to feel, or what I'm feeling now.
I'm starting to see the possibility of shutting her out completely once again.
But I don't know if I can this time.
It's different this time.
I really like her a lot.
But thinking anything about her hurts me now.
So I try to think a little each time I do, so that the hurt doesn't overwhelm me.
Many times, I think a little too much and it makes me sad anyway.

I'll stay.
It's not like i can help it.
I'm getting too familiar with that aching sensation underneath my chest...
Fuck My Life.

Untitled

.

Everyday seemed an eternity waiting for your message
I jump at every sound from the phone, every pop-up on the screen.

But you have a life now, and I feel so far away.

I wonder what you are doing at every moment.

Imagining who you're spending time with, and how happy you must be in their company.

Being so happy, that maybe you are starting to forget me.

I'm sure you'll do fine, maybe better, without me.

Imagination is cruel, especially so on the weekends.

It teases and taunts, suggesting the worst of what I fear.

I like you so much, that I dare not think of you now.

It hurts to miss you.

When I think of hugging you, I can't help but think that maybe, 

you're being hugged by someone else.

When I think of being with you, I can't help but think that maybe, 

you're with that someone else.

What should I think of then?

I'm not sure now.

Missing you, yet trying not to think of you.

What else can I hold on to if I don't hold on to this feeling for you?

I will fall apart if I let go, reverting back to my monotonous empty self, 
leading my meaningless daily life.

It hurts to hold on. 

It hurts not to.

Intouchables

Watching this movie on com right now.
Thinks that it's a great movie 3/4 into the show
but realizes at the same time that I'm watching it alone.

Nothing feels truly fun when I'm doing things alone...
Still a nice movie.
I'll finish it...

Does it matter?

Does it matter?
Does it matter that I'm here?
Does it matter whatever I do?
Does it matter how I feel for you?
Does it matter that you know how I feel?
Does it matter if I try?
Am I even a problem to you?
I wished I am.
How I envy others who are.

I'm so near but so far.
The transparent wall so thin, so clear,
so unyielding and true.
I am a bystander; an audience.
Privileged to see it all, cursed to only see it all.
My privilege is my curse.
I embrace it so,
Along with the frustration and helplessness.

Does it matter if I cross the wall?
Does it matter that I try to?
Does it matter if I succeed?
What if it doesn't?
That thought alone depresses me,
let alone a million others.

I blame myself.
I question the depth of my feelings for you.
Why can't I do it if I really like you so much.
Perhaps I don't?
Perhaps I could never like anyone enough try harder.
Why can't I try harder?

Does it matter?
Do I matter..?

It's easy to forget how the wind feels like~

								(Convo at 15/8/2012 9:47:11 PM) it's so easy to forget how the wind feels like when u've stayed at home too long.
								yes o:
								the ones that blow from the fan is differnt from the ones that u feel while walking outside.
								maybe they're both the same.
								dandan had deep thoughts while walking to buy trea
								/god
								maybe it's being outside that makes it feel different.
								yush lol
								i always have deep thoughs while walking
								thoughts*
								mac*
								pr0
								only problem is i dun like writing things down usually.
								lol
								but u can say em here and keep msn history
								/+.+
								but yush i agree
								keeping a drop of tear in the sea, is no different from losing it.
								words within a sea of words lol